Do you ever pay attention to the voice inside your head?
When life circumstances are rough, does this voice offer self-criticism, adding a layer of suffering on top of the challenge itself? Or, does this voice nurture with compassion, providing a kind way to deal with the situation and the related emotions or physical sensations that you are experiencing? There will always be ups and downs in life. But by treating ourselves with self-compassion, we will become more accepting of ourselves and others, and gain more energy, clarity and creativity to compose a more fulfilling life for ourselves.
Self-kindness involves using kind, caring, gentle language towards ourselves as well as actively soothing and comforting ourselves. This is helpful at any time, and especially when in the midst of challenging life situations. Self-kindness means that you are not harshly critical or judgmental of yourself. Most people are more critical and judgmental of themselves then towards other people. And self-criticism is such a deeply engrained habit that many people do not even notice it within themselves. Most people think they need to criticize themselves to motivate themselves but this has the exact opposite effect. When you criticize yourself, you undermine your self-confidence and make yourself feel anxious. Remind yourself that it is okay to make mistakes and “accept yourself in your life as it is”. If you acknowledge personal shortcomings as being okay, then you are much more likely to think clearly. You then want to make positive changes because you care about yourself and you want yourself to be happy. Notice the language you use with yourself. If you tend to use harsh, critical or judgmental language, actively try to stop that and replace what you say with words that are kinder, more understanding, and more supportive. Self-compassion is just a way of relating to yourself by treating yourself kindly regardless of circumstances.
The purpose of self-criticism is to provide a loving intention to keep ourselves safe. However, self-criticism ultimately turns into shame, self doubt, anxiety and depression. Self-critics have a lot less clarity because they run away and shut down. When others talk to us in a way that is comforting to us, a chemical called Oxytosin is released in the body, which produces positive effects. For some people, their self-soothing system was not developed due to reasons such as having parents that did not provide compassion. Develop the habit of self-soothing. Self-compassion stems from a desire to be a better person, a motivator. Start where you are. Embrace the self-criticism with self-compassion and see what happens. Plant the seeds and water them. What unmet need is behind the self-criticism? Don’t criticize yourself for criticizing yourself. Instead ask yourself, what does my body need? If the conditions of your life are unsatisfying, change what you can and accept the rest. Motivation does not require self-criticism.
If we have lived a life of self-criticism and negativity for a long time, switching our mindset to one of self-compassion does not happen overnight. Like any important goal, it requires a desire from within to change old habits that no longer serve us and to replace them with new habits that inspire us.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Carl Rogers, Ph.D.